A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.