A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows