Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.