Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need a laugh.. 😅

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.