Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

How does someone manage that 🤨

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”