Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.