A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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same bro
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
There are no pants in heaven.
Haha good job!!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
You’ll be OK
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
tell em, edith-anne
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.