A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I would like even faster food.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.