A lot of folks out there missing the point…
You Might Also Like
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
rise and shine we got egg
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.