A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
