A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
It was worth a shot 😂
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
still the best tweet of the year by far
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
