A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
