Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

A couple who are silly together stay together.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?

Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night