Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

I can fix him.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.