Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I love you…

…r dog.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.