Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

how was your vacation

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.