A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*