Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

SONOFA

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

And now we wait

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE