A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
What do you text your spouse?
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.