A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My dryer is celebrating lint.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.