a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
My whole life was a lie.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
