a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell