WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Did my cat write this
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Good morning, Twitter 😊
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.