The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits
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“Get out of the house. I live here now.”
The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.
1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*
2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”
Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
me: the outer layer of a tree
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow