A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits

You Might Also Like


The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.


“Knock knock”

Who’s there?


Russia who?

“Get out of the house. I live here now.”


The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.


1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*


[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”


Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.


I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.


So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?


me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow