@KattsDogma

A lot of my relatives are afraid of ghosts.
– kin dread spirits

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@donni

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

@shkeeber

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“Russia”

Russia who?

“Get out of the house. I live here now.”

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@HereComesCunty

1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@robfee

Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

@wolfmannjr

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

@ClichedOut

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow