A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.