Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Flowers bee like

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work