A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
WWE is French for “yes”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
$4 #usedbooks
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.