A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Brother?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
How do you milk an almond?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
