A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My daily affirmation
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor