A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
![]()
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
![]()