A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list