Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.