a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.