a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn