A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Hot Hot Hot
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Tell the colonel to bring it
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
bro what is going on at twitter
