A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
You Might Also Like
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.