Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.