a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory