A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
then why did i get this email
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before