Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

Not my job 😂

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job