@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@dorsalstream

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

@SoVeryBritish

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

@iwearaonesie

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@themiltron

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

@sfreeze6

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

@joshgondelman

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.