A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’