Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

Weighing up my bread heating options