A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day