A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
I support this random dude and all his protests
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
It’s a gift
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..