A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.