Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic