Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Monday?
No. Next question.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?