A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19