@sarcasticmommy4

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

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@coalslag

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

@trentistweeting

“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@InternetHippo

I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea

@AlmightyBored

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

@PaperWash

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

@MyLife2567

I save the good stuff for when I have company and that’s why you never see it.

@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up