@coalslag
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
@sarcasticmommy4
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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@coalslag
@trentistweeting
“Go out there, kid! Make a name for yourself-”
JAMARCUS McTHUNDERNUGGETS THE THIRD
“Trent that’s not really what i-”
It’s Jamarcus now
@AlmightyBored
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
@InternetHippo
I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea
@AlmightyBored
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
@PleaseBeGneiss
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
@PaperWash
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
@ToneLoaf
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
@MyLife2567
I save the good stuff for when I have company and that’s why you never see it.
@traciebreaux
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up