A lot of people don't know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!

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