A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me too door. Me too.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza