@sarcasticmommy4

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

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@ArfMeasures

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

@farahfergie

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

@jessokfine

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

@wettbutt

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

@Book_Krazy

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

@lincnotfound

netflix: *bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!