A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I am having an out of money experience.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly