Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

All right then, keep your secrets

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf