Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

serving silly goose instead of turkey

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

Me driving through Toronto

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.