A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
thank god the sign was there
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.