Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doormats are a gateway rug.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?