Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

6: are snakes just neck?

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

is it earth

my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.