A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
i prefer mine room temperature.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.