4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Okay
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.