Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it