A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
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*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Left at a local drug store…
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
good for her
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
