A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook π
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π See no evil.
π Hear no evil.
π Monkey beat-boxing
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
RIP fred flintstone he wouldβve loved treadmills.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: thatβs not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
ππππππππ
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
DONβT TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESEβS
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
ME: itβs like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.