Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

technically true but not a great slogan

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Art by Pastelkatto

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

hey, alexa

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️