Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

[the purge alarm blares in the distance]

ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Help Wanted

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.