A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.