A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back