A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Beware…..
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7