A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
You Might Also Like
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
No chill.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
He has no idea 🤡
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.