A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?