Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.