Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I don’t think my car can fly

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?