A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Why are bridges so flammable.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work