Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food