Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.