A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.