A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I would like even faster food.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?