A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
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I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.