A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Artwork by Herta Burbe
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Netflix and awkward silence?
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.