A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic