A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
SQUARREL
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Dead sexy!!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.