A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law