Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Sure. Why not?

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.