Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast